Today my husband and I celebrate twenty years of marriage together – which on one hand seems like not that long and on the other it seems like it’s been awhile – I don’t feel that different about things – or I guess I now know more about things so can have feelings towards them. I know I am no longer the person who says, “I would NEVER allow that to happen!” or “If my husband did this or that I would simply leave!”.
I’m smarter now, or maybe wiser is the better word. You know how you think something will be a certain way? And not because of anything you know, just visions you may have from other people’s stories, or seeing something in a film or reading about it in a book. You really only have a snapshot idea of a romanticized section of life and so when the real thing is happening, in it’s continuum and rhythm, it looks quite different. Even when you do experience those amazing moments you thought the journey would hold, you are so embroiled in them you sometimes forget to marvel or enjoy the moment – at least at first. Usually because you’re caught up in the fact it isn’t exactly like you thought it would be.
We’ve had a wonderful wild ride these past twenty years and the places we’ve been, the challenges we’ve overcome, the laughter and the tears, the humanness and greatness have all been much better than any novel, film, story or chronicle. Life has been often times messy, a lot of times mundane, however there are magical moments every day and now that we are older and more respectful and trusting of each other the magical moments are more poignant and breathtaking. We’re in this life together, we’ve chosen that twenty years ago and every day since, by staying the course, protecting each other and knowing that this adventure is ongoing.
Something I’ve shared with my audiences I now want to share with you – in hopes it will help you – it certainly has me. When we were first married and going through the struggles of figuring out how to live together, love each other and forgive, it was easy to run to a friend or a parent and complain, lament about how awful the other one was and bare our hearts on our sleeves. However this is a mistake and we caught it early I’m blessed to say. Because once you’ve put your spouse down to others you’ve done damage to your relationship and to the relationship your spouse has with your friends and family. You may go back and forgive your spouse however they may not.
So one time after we had some sort of an upset – I don’t remember what or why (which is always the case with arguments it seems) we decided not to share with anyone else when we were unhappy with each other – or at least not put the other person down to others. We agreed we would take our complaints to each other and work them out some way. I wish I could say we were always perfect at this. I will say that the time or two we did not stick to this plan were the times we almost didn’t make it. More and more as we go we realize that this agreement, not to belittle each other publicly, not to say negative things about the other to anyone has been the best plan of all.
I’m looking forward to spending the next twenty years married to this man, having adventures, taking risks, depending on each other, questioning our purposes and giving of ourselves. Knowing someone is by your side, that you have a safe place to speak your mind, that there are arms to hold you when you feel bad, sick or blue is a nice way to journey in life – I recommend it.
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